I haven't had a panic attack in three weeks. This is extraordinary considering I was having at least a few a week just about a month ago. That was the norm for me. I didn't really notice any transitions, but sometime before I went to Poland, I had stopped having panic attacks. I stopped having nightmares. I stopped having anxiety problems.
I don't know what the cause of this sudden transformation was. About sixty-seven percent of me is like, Who cares!? You're functioning. Why does it matter? The other thirty-three percent of me is worried. Why? Because every time my brain gets anywhere near a subject that might cause anxiety or panic, my immediate response is to shove it away. I have even found myself saying that it never happened: that I made the whole thing up. Every time I try to think about it, my brain goes 'nope' and shuts down. I can't even write or tell you what it is my brain is denying. So, I guess sometime before Poland, my brain decided that shutting down and denying facts was an appropriate response to anxiety-causing stimuli.
I know for a fact that this is not a good thing to do. My therapist confirmed it. However, she also said that if it's allowing me to function, there shouldn't be much harm in allowing myself to deny the past for at least a little bit. I'm wary of this. Sure, doing it for just a small span of time might not hurt. But when do I draw the line? How do I know that it won't all just blow up in my face later in the semester (which would be disastrous for my grades)?
For the last couple years, I've managed to have a good balancing point between acceptance and ignorance. I was dealing it relatively healthily and I was still able to function. That balance was tipped last semester, probably because of the foreign stressors that I encountered last year. It's possible that this most recent shift is an overcompensation from not being able to deal in the spring.
I'm hoping it'll work out on it's own: naturally and healthily. In the meantime, I'm going to follow my therapist's advice and allow myself to ignore and deny my problems and the past.
