No one can know. You have a beautiful face. I wish I could mess with it. But we'd both get in trouble. Neither of use want to caught. Besides, your body is just as beautiful. I want... I want to make sure it's mine. God, I wish I could have your face and arms... I want all of it. But then others would know. I don't want them to know.
I do.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The End
I just want this semester to be over. Nothing good is coming out of me staying. At this point, I don't really have any more learning left, just assessments of one sort or another. My anxiety/panic seems to be jumping up and down. Fast. There will be an hour where I'm so anxious I can't eat, then I have an hour and a half of calmness. Soon though, I get a random panic attack, followed by two more hours of anxiety.
For god's sake, will my brain just pick one? If it picks calm normality, then great. But even if it picks anxiety, at least I can deal with it in stride. These random spikes are seriously taking it out of me.
All I can think is that as soon as the semester is over, I can go home and cuddle with my animals and everything will be stable again. Though, by the same token, I'm seriously going to miss all my friends. I might see a couple of them over the summer, but we'll see.
It's been kind of unreal, the friends that I've made here at college. All completely by chance. I just happened to get the right roommate, and happened to follow her since I have no social skills. I am eternally grateful to the Housing Lottery.
For god's sake, will my brain just pick one? If it picks calm normality, then great. But even if it picks anxiety, at least I can deal with it in stride. These random spikes are seriously taking it out of me.
All I can think is that as soon as the semester is over, I can go home and cuddle with my animals and everything will be stable again. Though, by the same token, I'm seriously going to miss all my friends. I might see a couple of them over the summer, but we'll see.
It's been kind of unreal, the friends that I've made here at college. All completely by chance. I just happened to get the right roommate, and happened to follow her since I have no social skills. I am eternally grateful to the Housing Lottery.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Risks
Are risks worth it? Is it worth it to put yourself in an compromising position for the possibility for good things? I've been to people for help before. It ended badly. But these new friends are promising that won't happen. While experience tells me otherwise, there is a chance that things will be better than last time. Should I take the risk and bear the brunt if it does end badly? If I steel myself enough, should I tread the unknown waters?
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Society and Peace
Social conventions are a pain in the ass. I understand why society needs them... sort of. I guess it's to prevent conversations from becoming chaos. Preventing interactions in general from becoming chaotic. Though, I think social conventions were create to protect the mentally weak. Now, when I say mentally weak, I don't mean the mentally impaired. I mean people who are unwilling to hear the truth and act violently against what they don't want to hear. Maybe the subconscious belief is that societal guidelines will protect these people. Well, it doesn't. Societal guidelines just make it so people have to be manipulative. If it is not acceptable to go straight ahead and speak, than you must find a "sneaky" way to do it.
The idea of social norms is, I'm sure, a vast and very complicated subject. One of the main reasons I just don't really understand societal norms. Growing up, I have been taught by my mother to recognize most of these norms and to conform to them for the sake of being a functioning member of society. This frustrates me to no end. Partially because even when I do conform, people still look at me like I'm 'off'. Hell, now I can tell when someone looks at me like a freak. It used to be that people would have to say "You're a freak" in order for me to get that that's how they thought of me.
I miss being completely socially clueless. I'm sure I'm much more successful now that I'm not, but I miss the simplicity of thinking everyone being happy unless they said otherwise. The simplicity of someone needing to insult you directly in order for you to get it. But as I learned the signs, the facial expressions, the 'normal' sets of behavior, I became more and more aware of people looking at me like an annoying, unwanted brat. These 'looks' and 'signs' became such a integral part of my life that I see them everywhere now. Even if people around me don't think of me like that, I question my ability to read their faces, misinterpret their tone/expressions, and believe that they do. I'm paranoid. I'm scared. I'm frustrated.
I wish I could have peace of mind. Surety that my friends mean what they say. I hate that I've been taught to doubt phrases like "I'll always be here" or "You can always call me". I want to believe that there are people out there selfless enough to be willing to help fix a mess like me. But it's hard. I don't even know if I have the capacity to be that selfless. I've never had someone come to me for help for me to really know.
I can't read people. Well, I can, just not very well. I only get sarcasm about 30% of the time and I misinterpret facial expressions on a regular basis. This is the main reason I'm paranoid and doubt myself constantly. Because I'm only right a certain percentage of the time, I figure it's best to assume the worst. Even though, in the last week or two, I've been told multiple times that I should feel free to approach my friends with any problems I may have, I can't ascertain how truthful these statements are. There are lots of people who say things like that just because they feel they should. And then when someone takes what they say seriously, they regret saying it because they didn't mean it.
My friends know that this is my problem, and they basically repeat what they've said before. But it still doesn't assuage my fears of abandonment or betrayal. At this point, I think the only thing that will is time. Time is the only thing that will prove to me, without much doubt, that I have my friends' full support and that they're here to stay. In the meantime... I don't know. I managed to be brave enough to go talk to a friend. It was good at first. I felt safe. At least, safer than I usually do. But just a week later, my paranoia is back. I already feel like I'm treading into too deep water. I need to back up, try not to take up too much of their time.
I just want to let myself go. But of course, society won't let me. If I let myself go, people will be like "What's wrong with you?" and I will feel no better. I just want to scream, cry, rage about my life in the arms of someone I trust. Someone who won't judge me or want to pull away after I do so. Of course, letting myself go would also probably mean letting myself do things that would scare others. I'm not even really sure. I just have all this pent up energy inside of me in some form of anxiety that I can't let go of. Not completely. But the longer I keep it, the longer it festers and gets stronger. It doesn't simply make it hard to fall asleep. Now it's waking me up in the middle of the night. With a cold sweat and fear thick enough to freeze blood.
I just want some peace of mind. Too bad it's the scumbag mind itself that's preventing the peace. There doesn't seem to be any way to gain this peace that I can proactively pursue. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. I'm lost and I'm sick of it. I'm drowning and I can't find my way out.
I just want out of this mess.
The idea of social norms is, I'm sure, a vast and very complicated subject. One of the main reasons I just don't really understand societal norms. Growing up, I have been taught by my mother to recognize most of these norms and to conform to them for the sake of being a functioning member of society. This frustrates me to no end. Partially because even when I do conform, people still look at me like I'm 'off'. Hell, now I can tell when someone looks at me like a freak. It used to be that people would have to say "You're a freak" in order for me to get that that's how they thought of me.
I miss being completely socially clueless. I'm sure I'm much more successful now that I'm not, but I miss the simplicity of thinking everyone being happy unless they said otherwise. The simplicity of someone needing to insult you directly in order for you to get it. But as I learned the signs, the facial expressions, the 'normal' sets of behavior, I became more and more aware of people looking at me like an annoying, unwanted brat. These 'looks' and 'signs' became such a integral part of my life that I see them everywhere now. Even if people around me don't think of me like that, I question my ability to read their faces, misinterpret their tone/expressions, and believe that they do. I'm paranoid. I'm scared. I'm frustrated.
I wish I could have peace of mind. Surety that my friends mean what they say. I hate that I've been taught to doubt phrases like "I'll always be here" or "You can always call me". I want to believe that there are people out there selfless enough to be willing to help fix a mess like me. But it's hard. I don't even know if I have the capacity to be that selfless. I've never had someone come to me for help for me to really know.
I can't read people. Well, I can, just not very well. I only get sarcasm about 30% of the time and I misinterpret facial expressions on a regular basis. This is the main reason I'm paranoid and doubt myself constantly. Because I'm only right a certain percentage of the time, I figure it's best to assume the worst. Even though, in the last week or two, I've been told multiple times that I should feel free to approach my friends with any problems I may have, I can't ascertain how truthful these statements are. There are lots of people who say things like that just because they feel they should. And then when someone takes what they say seriously, they regret saying it because they didn't mean it.
My friends know that this is my problem, and they basically repeat what they've said before. But it still doesn't assuage my fears of abandonment or betrayal. At this point, I think the only thing that will is time. Time is the only thing that will prove to me, without much doubt, that I have my friends' full support and that they're here to stay. In the meantime... I don't know. I managed to be brave enough to go talk to a friend. It was good at first. I felt safe. At least, safer than I usually do. But just a week later, my paranoia is back. I already feel like I'm treading into too deep water. I need to back up, try not to take up too much of their time.
I just want to let myself go. But of course, society won't let me. If I let myself go, people will be like "What's wrong with you?" and I will feel no better. I just want to scream, cry, rage about my life in the arms of someone I trust. Someone who won't judge me or want to pull away after I do so. Of course, letting myself go would also probably mean letting myself do things that would scare others. I'm not even really sure. I just have all this pent up energy inside of me in some form of anxiety that I can't let go of. Not completely. But the longer I keep it, the longer it festers and gets stronger. It doesn't simply make it hard to fall asleep. Now it's waking me up in the middle of the night. With a cold sweat and fear thick enough to freeze blood.
I just want some peace of mind. Too bad it's the scumbag mind itself that's preventing the peace. There doesn't seem to be any way to gain this peace that I can proactively pursue. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. I'm lost and I'm sick of it. I'm drowning and I can't find my way out.
I just want out of this mess.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Topics
There are a lot of things I could talk about on my blog. A lot that I've considered posting about. Mathematical concepts, politics, psychology... I start to write a post, only to erase it all because I feel repetitive. There have got to be hundreds of blogs talking about politics. My view or opinion would only be what hundreds, if not thousands, of other people have already said. And as I have no real expertise, I really have nothing valuable to add.
Mathematical concepts... while they are relatively simple and straightforward to me, I doubt most people would feel the same. I imagine most people (namely my friends) would glance at my post and be like "Nope, not even going to try." So why try when I know most people wouldn't even try, let alone understand? It'd probably be a waste of a blog.
The only thing I could talk about on my blog that might be worth adding to the infinite seas of the internet would be my own experiences. No one else has talked about them or understands them the way I do, so I know that what I'm saying is actually adding something unique.
Now, I don't want this blog to turn into an autobiography. People don't want to read about the story of my life. As interesting and eventful as it's been, I'm sure most people don't care. They have their own life adventures to worry about. But maybe if I write about a life event's effect on my perspective... hopefully that would be something readers would gain from this. While my perspective is generally very skewed compared to 'normal' perspectives, maybe readers will find it interesting and/or insightful. Maybe.
I don't know. But, hey, I think that was subconsciously my purpose for this blog when I thought of the title. "On the Edge of Understanding." From my perspective, I often feel just slightly out of phase with the rest of the world. If the understanding the world were to be represented by a solid object, I would feel it as a liquid. I am semi-odd in that I feel this way. Not only feel, but have it confirmed by those around me that I just don't function the same as 'normal' people. This is due to many factors. My parents were/are very odd people and have seemed to passed that oddness on to me. Many aspects of my childhood also shaped the way I process things. For better or for worse.
So... I suppose my posts will mostly be about personal events and perspective. I'll try not to make them too personal because, again, no one wants to read about the details of my life. They're going to want to read things that can pertain to them.
Mathematical concepts... while they are relatively simple and straightforward to me, I doubt most people would feel the same. I imagine most people (namely my friends) would glance at my post and be like "Nope, not even going to try." So why try when I know most people wouldn't even try, let alone understand? It'd probably be a waste of a blog.
The only thing I could talk about on my blog that might be worth adding to the infinite seas of the internet would be my own experiences. No one else has talked about them or understands them the way I do, so I know that what I'm saying is actually adding something unique.
Now, I don't want this blog to turn into an autobiography. People don't want to read about the story of my life. As interesting and eventful as it's been, I'm sure most people don't care. They have their own life adventures to worry about. But maybe if I write about a life event's effect on my perspective... hopefully that would be something readers would gain from this. While my perspective is generally very skewed compared to 'normal' perspectives, maybe readers will find it interesting and/or insightful. Maybe.
I don't know. But, hey, I think that was subconsciously my purpose for this blog when I thought of the title. "On the Edge of Understanding." From my perspective, I often feel just slightly out of phase with the rest of the world. If the understanding the world were to be represented by a solid object, I would feel it as a liquid. I am semi-odd in that I feel this way. Not only feel, but have it confirmed by those around me that I just don't function the same as 'normal' people. This is due to many factors. My parents were/are very odd people and have seemed to passed that oddness on to me. Many aspects of my childhood also shaped the way I process things. For better or for worse.
So... I suppose my posts will mostly be about personal events and perspective. I'll try not to make them too personal because, again, no one wants to read about the details of my life. They're going to want to read things that can pertain to them.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
The Beginning
So this is the beginning of a blog. I never really thought I would have need for one. Blogs always seemed to be a place to share information or personal stories. I'm not really one for laying my life before all to see. And as this is the internet, I would be doing precisely that.
However, I do have a couple friends who blog. They are writers, which I think most bloggers of the non-images-sharing variety are. One of them is very verbose in her writing. "Fluffy" as my friends and I like to call it. Stating a relatively simple concept in the form of several pages. She does it because it's her style, but I always kind of found it to be a waste of time and energy. Though, I am a very blunt person. Blunt and concise.
Well, I try to be concise. I'm not so concise when I'm speaking, because I often have trouble finding words or stringing them together correctly. So I'll usually babble on, using vocabulary that doesn't quite fit what I'm trying to say, until I get a point across. Depending on the listener, this could take a long time. I'm better than I used to be. As with everything, practice has helped. And, really, how can I not get practice talking? I'm shy, but I'm not shy with my words. If I want to say something, I will say it. If someone asks for an opinion, I will give them my honest opinion. Unfortunately, I have discovered that most people don't actually want my honest opinion.
That's something that's always baffled me. Why do people ask things such as "Well, what do you think?" and then get angry when I tell them what I think? This is a social phenomenon that is beyond my understanding. I'm also beginning to realize that this isn't a phenomenon that only happens among girls. Oh, no. There is definitely the fair share of men who do the exact same thing. Ask for advise and get angry when I give it.
I do sometimes give advise when it's not asked for. Usually when someone comes to me with a problem they're having, whether it be family, dating, school, or just general stresses in life. Since these are obviously problems they would like to solve, I always assumed that they were trying to find a solution.
Nope. Not really. At least, not most of them. I have been yelled at several times for not just shutting up or not listening to them. I mean... okay, you don't want advise, fine. But what about giving advise makes you think I'm not listening?
Other times, when I give a solution, they yell at me for being "too logical". This also baffles me, as I can't imagine anyone being too logical. Logical being a thought process that takes all factors into account, including the unpredictable nature of humans and emotions.
Anyway, so.... these people just want me to sit there and listen? They just want me as a shouting board? No advise? If they want emotional comfort, they shouldn't have come to me anyway. As I have neither empathy nor sympathy, I wouldn't know what to do what would assuage their emotional distress.
This hasn't happened as often since I've come to college. Surprisingly, the friends I've made here have taken my odd communication habits and my strange thought processes in stride. None of them have ever really gotten frustrated with me when it comes to my reactions to things. None of them have asked me to change things I do naturally. In fact, the only thing that I think really bugs my friends is my stubbornness in debate. I know I'm stubborn and I try not to be. It is, however, an ongoing process.
Well, this post was longer than I anticipated. I'm interested to see where this blog takes me. If the outlet will be good for me, or if I'll just find it to be an interesting endeavor. Either way, I look forward to it.
However, I do have a couple friends who blog. They are writers, which I think most bloggers of the non-images-sharing variety are. One of them is very verbose in her writing. "Fluffy" as my friends and I like to call it. Stating a relatively simple concept in the form of several pages. She does it because it's her style, but I always kind of found it to be a waste of time and energy. Though, I am a very blunt person. Blunt and concise.
Well, I try to be concise. I'm not so concise when I'm speaking, because I often have trouble finding words or stringing them together correctly. So I'll usually babble on, using vocabulary that doesn't quite fit what I'm trying to say, until I get a point across. Depending on the listener, this could take a long time. I'm better than I used to be. As with everything, practice has helped. And, really, how can I not get practice talking? I'm shy, but I'm not shy with my words. If I want to say something, I will say it. If someone asks for an opinion, I will give them my honest opinion. Unfortunately, I have discovered that most people don't actually want my honest opinion.
That's something that's always baffled me. Why do people ask things such as "Well, what do you think?" and then get angry when I tell them what I think? This is a social phenomenon that is beyond my understanding. I'm also beginning to realize that this isn't a phenomenon that only happens among girls. Oh, no. There is definitely the fair share of men who do the exact same thing. Ask for advise and get angry when I give it.
I do sometimes give advise when it's not asked for. Usually when someone comes to me with a problem they're having, whether it be family, dating, school, or just general stresses in life. Since these are obviously problems they would like to solve, I always assumed that they were trying to find a solution.
Nope. Not really. At least, not most of them. I have been yelled at several times for not just shutting up or not listening to them. I mean... okay, you don't want advise, fine. But what about giving advise makes you think I'm not listening?
Other times, when I give a solution, they yell at me for being "too logical". This also baffles me, as I can't imagine anyone being too logical. Logical being a thought process that takes all factors into account, including the unpredictable nature of humans and emotions.
Anyway, so.... these people just want me to sit there and listen? They just want me as a shouting board? No advise? If they want emotional comfort, they shouldn't have come to me anyway. As I have neither empathy nor sympathy, I wouldn't know what to do what would assuage their emotional distress.
This hasn't happened as often since I've come to college. Surprisingly, the friends I've made here have taken my odd communication habits and my strange thought processes in stride. None of them have ever really gotten frustrated with me when it comes to my reactions to things. None of them have asked me to change things I do naturally. In fact, the only thing that I think really bugs my friends is my stubbornness in debate. I know I'm stubborn and I try not to be. It is, however, an ongoing process.
Well, this post was longer than I anticipated. I'm interested to see where this blog takes me. If the outlet will be good for me, or if I'll just find it to be an interesting endeavor. Either way, I look forward to it.
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