This semester, more than any time I can think of, I have had a number of crushes. The main crush I've had has been a boy in my Japanese class. The reason being he's been the only one to seem as though he might be receptive to my affection.
This whole time, I have been very aware that this has been kind of a fantasy I'm chasing. It's fun while I'm doing it, the idea of semi-pursuing or fantasizing about another person I barely know. It's been fun, both the flirting and bonding with my friends over my inability to ask him out to dinner. However, in reality, I don't think I actually want to date him. There is a part of me that is just inherently very cautious about dating someone I don't actually know.
However... these last few weeks I've noticed that I've been starting to develop feelings for someone else entirely. I had always had a small, underlying attraction towards this person. But this man is not unlike my father, and for some reason, I thought it was weird that I was attracted to someone like my father (I never have been before), so I denied the attraction to myself.
Without being conscious of it, I started thinking about this person with increasing frequency. I thought nothing of it for the most part, until I started inadvertently imagining myself making out with this person, or even sleeping with him. This has almost NEVER happened. I can only think of one other person I had ever had such fantasies for.
I continued to push my feelings down, dismissing them as some form of desperation. Today, I decided to actually think about what was going on in my subconscious. Thinking about what pure emotions I've been having towards this person. I care about him. I want him to hold me. I want to hold him. I want him to be happy. I want to make him happy.
Reading over this, I realize I sound like a cheesy 16-year-old girl fawning over some crush. But... I have never felt quite like this before. I'm not sure what it is yet, or what I should do with it.
So, I'll keep waiting. Wait and see if this is just a fleeting fantasy my brain seems really invested in. If it is... then I'll move on, no harm done. If it isn't... well, then... I don't know. I guess we'll just have to see.
