Not So Fleeting

So... feelings which I thought may be fleeting are, in fact, not.

Not only that, but it seems as though they've been returned.

I am about to blindly embark on a completely new adventure. There will be struggles and hurdles to overcome.

And I have never before been so excited in my entire life.

Fleeting

This semester, more than any time I can think of, I have had a number of crushes. The main crush I've had has been a boy in my Japanese class. The reason being he's been the only one to seem as though he might be receptive to my affection.

This whole time, I have been very aware that this has been kind of a fantasy I'm chasing. It's fun while I'm doing it, the idea of semi-pursuing or fantasizing about another person I barely know. It's been fun, both the flirting and bonding with my friends over my inability to ask him out to dinner. However, in reality, I don't think I actually want to date him. There is a part of me that is just inherently very cautious about dating someone I don't actually know.

However... these last few weeks I've noticed that I've been starting to develop feelings for someone else entirely. I had always had a small, underlying attraction towards this person. But this man is not unlike my father, and for some reason, I thought it was weird that I was attracted to someone like my father (I never have been before), so I denied the attraction to myself.

Without being conscious of it, I started thinking about this person with increasing frequency. I thought nothing of it for the most part, until I started inadvertently imagining myself making out with this person, or even sleeping with him. This has almost NEVER happened. I can only think of one other person I had ever had such fantasies for.

I continued to push my feelings down, dismissing them as some form of desperation. Today, I decided to actually think about what was going on in my subconscious. Thinking about what pure emotions I've been having towards this person. I care about him. I want him to hold me. I want to hold him. I want him to be happy. I want to make him happy.

Reading over this, I realize I sound like a cheesy 16-year-old girl fawning over some crush. But... I have never felt quite like this before. I'm not sure what it is yet, or what I should do with it.

So, I'll keep waiting. Wait and see if this is just a fleeting fantasy my brain seems really invested in. If it is... then I'll move on, no harm done. If it isn't... well, then... I don't know. I guess we'll just have to see.

Purpose

I think I mentioned on an earlier post how I wanted this blog to not just be about my personal life...

Well, that's certainly not what it's turning out to be.

Not that that's a bad thing. I suppose that this just means that this is what I need my blog to be for me. I suppose... it's an outlet of sorts. A personal outlet that doesn't require me to talk to an actual person but I can still put out "into the air" and not keep it "hidden".

And that's sort of nice.

Music

I kind of miss playing my instruments. I miss the adrenaline of orchestra and being amongst other like-minded musicians. I miss the deep sense of accomplishment I would feel when I get a particularly difficult piano piece under my fingers. I miss the sense of deep connection with my music and my instruments  I wish I could practice again, but I just don't have the time.

Pace

I have an analytic view of myself. I observe myself from the most objective perspective possible and then analyze what I have observed. This is how I understand most human behavior; through careful observation and reasoning.

Recently, I have discovered that I have a tendency to pace when I'm upset, anxious, or not feeling well.  Now, when I notice myself pacing, I try and make myself stop. It's a waste of energy and it won't solve any of my problems.

I honestly don't know if this is healthy or not. I know that this is a rather common form of unintentional coping. It's kind of a staple in movies and TV shows. Characters pacing when they're distressed. I find it amusing that I also engage in behavior. Am I mirroring behaviors I'm seeing on television, or do a lot of humans actually do this to cope?

Strength

I became... disappointed with myself recently when I realized that the last time I was strong was over two years ago. It was when I gave a speech in front of the entire student body at my high school. I revealed some very personal, painful experiences in order to help educate my peers and teachers into becoming more aware of their surroundings in order to prevent atrocities like what happened to myself in my old school.

Thinking about it now, I would not have the strength to do such a thing now. In fact, I feel as though I can't really speak about it at all except in vague and general terms. Sometimes I feel like I can't even handle thinking about it.

I've gotten weaker. And I'm ashamed because of it.

Mask

For the most part, I am very good at hiding when I'm in emotional turmoil. I like it this way. I don't like bother my friends with my problems. In my whole life, there have been maybe five people who could see right through the act. Once I become aware of the fact that a person can tell if I'm in a bad place or not, I find that it's even harder to keep my mask in place. Without meaning to, I start shaking or becoming more withdrawn. A part of me goes "Why bother trying? They're going to know anyway." So I try to avoid eye contact with these people. Or I try and avoid speaking with them at all. They can't tell if I don't interact with them, right?