Social conventions are a pain in the ass. I understand why society needs them... sort of. I guess it's to prevent conversations from becoming chaos. Preventing interactions in general from becoming chaotic. Though, I think social conventions were create to protect the mentally weak. Now, when I say mentally weak, I don't mean the mentally impaired. I mean people who are unwilling to hear the truth and act violently against what they don't want to hear. Maybe the subconscious belief is that societal guidelines will protect these people. Well, it doesn't. Societal guidelines just make it so people have to be manipulative. If it is not acceptable to go straight ahead and speak, than you must find a "sneaky" way to do it.
The idea of social norms is, I'm sure, a vast and very complicated subject. One of the main reasons I just don't really understand societal norms. Growing up, I have been taught by my mother to recognize most of these norms and to conform to them for the sake of being a functioning member of society. This frustrates me to no end. Partially because even when I do conform, people still look at me like I'm 'off'. Hell, now I can tell when someone looks at me like a freak. It used to be that people would have to say "You're a freak" in order for me to get that that's how they thought of me.
I miss being completely socially clueless. I'm sure I'm much more successful now that I'm not, but I miss the simplicity of thinking everyone being happy unless they said otherwise. The simplicity of someone needing to insult you directly in order for you to get it. But as I learned the signs, the facial expressions, the 'normal' sets of behavior, I became more and more aware of people looking at me like an annoying, unwanted brat. These 'looks' and 'signs' became such a integral part of my life that I see them everywhere now. Even if people around me don't think of me like that, I question my ability to read their faces, misinterpret their tone/expressions, and believe that they do. I'm paranoid. I'm scared. I'm frustrated.
I wish I could have peace of mind. Surety that my friends mean what they say. I hate that I've been taught to doubt phrases like "I'll always be here" or "You can always call me". I want to believe that there are people out there selfless enough to be willing to help fix a mess like me. But it's hard. I don't even know if I have the capacity to be that selfless. I've never had someone come to me for help for me to really know.
I can't read people. Well, I can, just not very well. I only get sarcasm about 30% of the time and I misinterpret facial expressions on a regular basis. This is the main reason I'm paranoid and doubt myself constantly. Because I'm only right a certain percentage of the time, I figure it's best to assume the worst. Even though, in the last week or two, I've been told multiple times that I should feel free to approach my friends with any problems I may have, I can't ascertain how truthful these statements are. There are lots of people who say things like that just because they feel they should. And then when someone takes what they say seriously, they regret saying it because they didn't mean it.
My friends know that this is my problem, and they basically repeat what they've said before. But it still doesn't assuage my fears of abandonment or betrayal. At this point, I think the only thing that will is time. Time is the only thing that will prove to me, without much doubt, that I have my friends' full support and that they're here to stay. In the meantime... I don't know. I managed to be brave enough to go talk to a friend. It was good at first. I felt safe. At least, safer than I usually do. But just a week later, my paranoia is back. I already feel like I'm treading into too deep water. I need to back up, try not to take up too much of their time.
I just want to let myself go. But of course, society won't let me. If I let myself go, people will be like "What's wrong with you?" and I will feel no better. I just want to scream, cry, rage about my life in the arms of someone I trust. Someone who won't judge me or want to pull away after I do so. Of course, letting myself go would also probably mean letting myself do things that would scare others. I'm not even really sure. I just have all this pent up energy inside of me in some form of anxiety that I can't let go of. Not completely. But the longer I keep it, the longer it festers and gets stronger. It doesn't simply make it hard to fall asleep. Now it's waking me up in the middle of the night. With a cold sweat and fear thick enough to freeze blood.
I just want some peace of mind. Too bad it's the scumbag mind itself that's preventing the peace. There doesn't seem to be any way to gain this peace that I can proactively pursue. I don't know what I need. I don't know what to do. I'm lost and I'm sick of it. I'm drowning and I can't find my way out.
I just want out of this mess.
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